It’s probably worth mentioning that if you’re skulking around online, doing searches for “How do I know if my boyfriend is gay?” and “10 surefire signs of heterosexuality” you may have already answered your own question. Ditto if you’re a gay man reading this article because you “just want to double check”. Generally, the only people who seek out articles like this are those who already know but don’t want to know. Which is fine…you take your time letting it sink in. While you’re doing that, here are some ideas for other searches you may want to run by Google: “Why do we live in a world where people feel they have to hide something as fundamental as their sexuality?” or “Should I be questioning the binary system for classifying gender and orientation instead of questioning my significant other?” or even “Am I complicit in perpetuating gender stereotypes?”
Or…maybe you’d prefer not to. And since you’re already here, go ahead and read this list and check off how many apply and at the end we’ll go over your scores.
10. He Dresses Well and Spends a Lot of Time Getting Ready.
We all know that only gay men do this because straight men are not allowed to care about how they look. Obviously. If straight men are allowed to care about their appearance or give more than a moment’s thought to fashion, grooming or their hair, then every single commercial airing on ESPN has been lying to us. And advertisers never lie. The rule of thumb is: if he spends over 15 minutes in the washroom getting ready and over 10 minutes taking a “quick” shower, you really need to reevaluate your relationship with him.
9. He Has Effeminate Taste in Movies.
If he’s not turned off by movies that deal with feelings and complicated concepts or if he’s willing to watch, say, “Frozen” or “Memento” when he could be watching “The Fast and the Furious” or, better yet, porn, something’s not right. Straight men don’t like to have complex thoughts…it gets in the way of following sports and clogs up the space in their brains that should be filled with facts about World War II. If he will watch something in a language other than English, he’s not just gay he’s unpatriotic and if he’ll watch a Woody Allen movie he may also be Jewish. (Add 3 points to your score in either case.)
8. He Has Feelings.
When you seem sad or upset, does your boyfriend ask you what’s wrong (add 1 point)? Or even how he can help (add 6 points)? Both are clear signals that you may have a queen on your hands. Straight men are supposed to be completely clueless about your unpredictable emotions and will become overwhelmed and frustrated when you express them. It says so in Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus. Compassion and warmth = twink.
7. He Doesn’t Make You Feel Bad About Yourself.
Any man who doesn’t derive pleasure and self esteem from making the woman he loves feel badly about herself isn’t worth knowing. And must be queer. (Add about 100 points.)
6. He’s Into Art.
If he enjoys museums, galleries or has any kind of creativity, he’s either gay or European. Add 12 points.
5. He’s Not Interested in Religion.
One sure-fire way to tell if your boyfriend is gay: join a religious congregation that dwells obsessively on sex, particularly homosexual sex. If, after a few visits to your new place of worship, your boyfriend starts making excuses for why he can’t come with you, well, there you go. He’s gay. Or has a conscience….which is also a clear sign of homosexuality.
4. He Uses the Word “Fabulous” Instead of “Good”.
Enthusiasm about anything is extremely unmanly. Add a half a point for each time you’ve heard him say “fabulous.” Other words to watch out for, “love” (add 1 point unless you think he’s lying just to get you to shut up, in which case subtract 5 points), “sweet” (unless he’s talking about something that just happened during a hockey game) or “Mary” (unless that’s your name).
3. His Home is Clean and Well Decorated.
Sensitivity to one’s surroundings, interest in design and having taste are extremely suspect. Straight men tend to like to live in abject squalor surrounded by empty beer cans and back issues of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition. Add 3 points for each piece of mid-century modern furniture your boyfriend owns. If he lives in anything resembling a NY loft, adds 2 points. If he lives in an ACTUAL NY loft, stop taking this quiz right now and go get yourself an OK Cupid profile.
2. He Tells You He Likes to Sleep with Women.
Men are liars. They probably are feeling bad about lying, so they ask their woman to cheat on them with another woman. Add 83 points.
1. He Tells You He Likes to Sleep with Men.
Like Oprah always says, “When someone tells you who they are, believe them.” There’s no point in trying to convert them like Elaine on Seinfeld. Homosexuality is not a phase and it will not pass with time or therapy. Maybe, you guys can be friends and audition for the next Amazing Race.
1-1000 Points – If your boyfriend is gay, there’s really no way to know that unless he chooses to tell you. Maybe broadening your perspective on what is acceptable male behavior is a good start in helping you feel more comfortable with who he is, and maybe it could even help you get a better understanding of yourself.
Good Luck with your relationship, wherever it goes.